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Royal Review
Royal Review
By Victor Ludorem
Now that the Bowl games are out of the way and the Wild Card Playoffs behind us, we can all concur about this truly most important time of the year. Every grizzled sports fan shares the common concern and myopic focus. Cutting to the chase, the one question on everyone’s mind, the real meat of the issue is………
“When does the SI Swimsuit edition come out?”
But for the rest of you, the serious handicappers who think the big head instead, and wonder how you did in your battle with the bookmaker. Here’s how the past week’s NFL Playoff action shook out at Royal Sports.
We got off to a glorious start in the first game on tap when the Eagles upset the Bears 33-19 at Soldier Field. Royal held the only –2.5 in the world on this hard hitting match up. A 3to1 ratio of bear-backers got bucked off when Philly DE Hugh Douglas body-slammed Bear QB Jim Miller onto the turf and into an ambulance. Even though he was fined $35K for the flagrant hit, that’s only like a nickel from each teammate who picked up a fat playoff check and a plane ticket to St. Louis. If my old padnuh Hugh comes up a little short I‘m sure Royal will kick in the difference. We also won the Total here as most people tried to do the limbo and went under the bar set so low at 31.
Then in a classic game made for Chuck Fucenda and NFL Films, on a snowy night in Foxboro the Patriots rallied with a late FG by Adam Vinetieri to beat Oakland 16-13. I guess it’s true when they say no two snowflakes or replay angles are alike. As hot as the Raider sideline became after the fumble-call-reversal they could not melt their way out of this debacle. Jerry Rice put his new playoff hopes on ice when the zebras gave the ball back to the Minutemen to ice the clock before the game-winning 45 yd. FG. Certainly a chilling loss for Royal as our clients got over on both the Side –2.5 and Under the Total of 38 here, but a thrilling game nonetheless. The next day we split out as the defending Superbowl champ Ravens discovered 57 ways to lose at Heinz Field. We win the side –6 but lose the Total Over the 33. Steeler RB Jerome Bettis really “took one for the team” in the locker room before the game and his replacement scored 2 TDs. Anybody in the market for a used bus? We saw an unusual stand develop here as we had the majority of votes behind the Steel Curtain but the ”big wood” was stacked on the Ravens. The big question in Baltimore this week is IF the Tony the ‘Goose’ can slip his helmet off, will he hang it up? Next up we got screwed like a Dutch sailor with shore leave and a bottle of Viagra in “St. Louis, Gateway to the Royal wing nut.” We got screwed up, down, sideways and rolled over as the Rams rammed it to us and the Pack-hers in the first half, second half, side and total. The fact that the Green Bay failed to cover the Teasers was like finding change beneath the couch right after a bank robbery. This game must have been over before it started according to public sentiment. “Rams –11 and Over, say it over and over” that’s what my therapist said. ‘Remember the Alamo!’ cried my reply.
Oh well, as you know by now Royal pays like lightning. Where is that friggin Kathy Ireland when you really need her?
By Victor Ludorem
Now that the Bowl games are out of the way and the Wild Card Playoffs behind us, we can all concur about this truly most important time of the year. Every grizzled sports fan shares the common concern and myopic focus. Cutting to the chase, the one question on everyone’s mind, the real meat of the issue is………
“When does the SI Swimsuit edition come out?”
But for the rest of you, the serious handicappers who think the big head instead, and wonder how you did in your battle with the bookmaker. Here’s how the past week’s NFL Playoff action shook out at Royal Sports.
We got off to a glorious start in the first game on tap when the Eagles upset the Bears 33-19 at Soldier Field. Royal held the only –2.5 in the world on this hard hitting match up. A 3to1 ratio of bear-backers got bucked off when Philly DE Hugh Douglas body-slammed Bear QB Jim Miller onto the turf and into an ambulance. Even though he was fined $35K for the flagrant hit, that’s only like a nickel from each teammate who picked up a fat playoff check and a plane ticket to St. Louis. If my old padnuh Hugh comes up a little short I‘m sure Royal will kick in the difference. We also won the Total here as most people tried to do the limbo and went under the bar set so low at 31.
Then in a classic game made for Chuck Fucenda and NFL Films, on a snowy night in Foxboro the Patriots rallied with a late FG by Adam Vinetieri to beat Oakland 16-13. I guess it’s true when they say no two snowflakes or replay angles are alike. As hot as the Raider sideline became after the fumble-call-reversal they could not melt their way out of this debacle. Jerry Rice put his new playoff hopes on ice when the zebras gave the ball back to the Minutemen to ice the clock before the game-winning 45 yd. FG. Certainly a chilling loss for Royal as our clients got over on both the Side –2.5 and Under the Total of 38 here, but a thrilling game nonetheless. The next day we split out as the defending Superbowl champ Ravens discovered 57 ways to lose at Heinz Field. We win the side –6 but lose the Total Over the 33. Steeler RB Jerome Bettis really “took one for the team” in the locker room before the game and his replacement scored 2 TDs. Anybody in the market for a used bus? We saw an unusual stand develop here as we had the majority of votes behind the Steel Curtain but the ”big wood” was stacked on the Ravens. The big question in Baltimore this week is IF the Tony the ‘Goose’ can slip his helmet off, will he hang it up? Next up we got screwed like a Dutch sailor with shore leave and a bottle of Viagra in “St. Louis, Gateway to the Royal wing nut.” We got screwed up, down, sideways and rolled over as the Rams rammed it to us and the Pack-hers in the first half, second half, side and total. The fact that the Green Bay failed to cover the Teasers was like finding change beneath the couch right after a bank robbery. This game must have been over before it started according to public sentiment. “Rams –11 and Over, say it over and over” that’s what my therapist said. ‘Remember the Alamo!’ cried my reply.
Oh well, as you know by now Royal pays like lightning. Where is that friggin Kathy Ireland when you really need her?
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